• Monica Montanari

Perspectives on Exes


Everybody who knows me knows that I'm not the biggest fan of women. From my upbringing I just decided that I couldn't trust them and that I would hate them for my whole life.

I used to hate the thought of dating some guy who had ever dated another woman- it didn't matter who she was. As unrealistic as that is, I couldnt handle the jealousy of knowing that she had gotten to have a part of him that I never really had. I knew that before me there had always been a first kiss; a first "meet-the-family"; a first "I love you". Someone else had been called his "baby". He had probably taken someone to this exact spot. Kissed someone this exact way. Told someone else that he would be the exception.

I resented them. People's exes were my worst enemies. I lived to fuck them over- and I lived with that thinking for a long time. It was my worst nightmare that someone I was dating would leave me for their ex. I knew it was a real threat. And on more than one occasion, it had become a cause for breakup. I was so obsessed with my own toxic, selfish thinking that I never even stopped to consider any thing or any one else. It wasn't until very recently that I realized that I had been completely wrong and childish for thinking that way for so long. I don't know if it was just my sick mind that worked like that or if others feel the same way. That's why I decided to write it all out- for those of you who might think the same way that I used to.

As soon as I lost the love of my life, my perspective on everything changed: and now, as painful as it is, I only have compassion.

Only after my heart was broken into a thousand pieces did I realize that for every person I dated, there was someone who had been promised that they would never be left. Someone else had fallen in love with his family, and become a part of it- only to be thrown away. This person before me had fallen just like I would, and thought that it was forever. Someone else had given this person their heart only to have it ripped out and shattered into a million pieces. Someone else was possibly crying their eyes out every night in the pain of losing someone who I barely knew.

It's easy to say that I just think this way now. It's another thing to prove it. Not too long ago, I started to feel things for someone. And in the midst of getting to know him, I had to get to know about his ex- like we all should. She was a part of his history that made him who he is today and helps me to understand his relationship dynamics. But the more we talked about her, the more he missed her (I guess). Because only a few days later, he broke things off with me in order to figure things out with her. Sure, I was somewhat hurt. But at the same time, because of my recent experiences, I was weirdly happy for him. Like really happy for him. And instead of resenting the situation, I honestly hoped that it would work out for them. Because I know what it's like to miss your ex- and while I was some new girl who barely new this guy and was just getting attached, I realized that this girl was someone who had a history with this guy. And if there was any chance of that flame being rekindled, I'd rather it be as soon as possible so that:

(1) they have more time to be happy in their life together, and

(2) to save me the pain of getting closer to someone only to become more bitter when I was left because of his unresolved feelings.

Honestly, I can now say that to every guy I know, I encourage resolution of those feelings if even the slightest thing remains. Who the hell am I to be bitter and angry because someone else is dying from the pain? And if they want another chance, who the hell am I to stand in the way? Go ahead. Leave me for your ex. I understand. Moreover, I encourage it. Figure that out. Because that person is a beautiful and important part of your past- and if unresolved, possibly your future.